Stealing Princesses

It occurred to me that the best type of villain is the type that constantly makes the hero’s life completely miserable.  With this in mind, all villains can take a chapter out of this one’s maniacal conquests.  The one who was there before us, and who will still be there long after we all die, because he knows when to "hide in his shell," as it were.  This villain is owed a great debt by all villains after him, for he has weathered the ages, stood the test of time, and STILL cannot hang onto his captives.

Machinoids, Bowser is possibly the most disappointing villain of the entire video game world.  Not only was he there first to set the bar, he set it rather low.  He put his own children in the way of a certain meddlesome plumber loaded up with mushrooms before he would even make an appearance.  I will give him this: He certainly knows how to hide very well.

When Bowser made his move, the Mushroom Kingdom became infested with Goombas, Bob-ombs, and other insidious creatures which made Mario's journey that much more harrowing.  Granted, Bowser did wise up after their first encounter and stopped putting himself on collapsible drawbridges, but instead of mechanizing the citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom and sending them after that short Italian guy (who is also bald, why do you think he wears a HAT??) he keeps sending the same baddies.

It is in my humble opinion that Bowser should be looked upon as the greatest failure of ALL video game villains, because there was actually a time where he HELPED his enemies achieve their goals and save the day.  I wish simply for the sake of villainy that heroes and villains would NOT work together honestly to achieve an end.  

If there were an award for worst villain because of turning your back on all that is evil and treacherous, Bowser would be top contender.  For all else, he is a whining failure.

World Domination

That's so clichè.  I don't want to rule the world.  I just want to make it miserable.  As a young evil scientist, I had been told growing up that if I didn't like the way the world was, I should change it.  That's all I'm doing!  I don't want people to get the wrong impression of evil scientists like myself, so today's address to you, my loyal Machinoids, will be about the worst evil scientist in the history of everything: Dr. Wily.

Wily has been around since the first Mega Man game released in 1987.  Granted, he is older than me and has more experience being an evil scientist (MY game game out in 1993), but he uses the same old robots every single time.  And not only that, Wily for some reason decided it was a good idea to install these robots with a fatal weakness to each other's abilities.  It doesn't make any sense!!!  Why make your robots susceptible to ANYTHING?  At least MY robots weren't weak to specific types of attacks.

I ask you, loyal Machinoids, what does it take to be noticed as a viable threat to the future of the planet?  Should I build a robot named "Scissorman" and make it so he's weak against "Rockman"?  Or maybe I'll throw "Paperman" in the mix and see who will last the longest of the three.  Will I be labeled one of gaming's best video game villains then?

Probably not.  What I need is something original...something so sinister, it will FORCE people to respect me. Something that this world will look upon as one of the worst villains who ever lived.  Perhaps if I create a space station in the Earth's orbit, disguised as the moon, but with a planet-destroying death ray mounted on the outside.  I could call it, "Death Moon!"  Ehh, I'll have to work on the name.

Anyway, my minions, the moral of this story is that if you cannot successfully build an evil robot to do your bidding, without installing weaknesses, you are not a true villain, and must be punished for your pathetic attempts at evilosity (that's a real word that I just made up!).  Dr. Wily is a poor excuse for not only a villain, but a mad scientist as well.  How can you, with your nigh unlimited resources, make it so EASY for Mega Man to come in with his LITTLE BLASTER and foil your plans over and over and over again.  That not-so-awesome POSSUM did it to me once.  Did I go right back out and try again?  NO!  Unlike this fool, who has tried nearly 20 times and lost each time, I can proudly say that I have only been foiled ONCE, and not any more than that.  Because, for the last 18 years, I have been biding my time.  Sure, that possum might have lived to his natural life expectancy and died, but he DID have children!  Two of them, if I'm not mistaken.  And I will make them pay DEARLY for their father's insolence.

Until next time, my loyal Machinoids, and remember: Only YOU can prevent stupid robots with stupid weaknesses to each other from walking the Earth.  Just find out where their weakness is and blast them over and over again until they die!

Welcome, Mindless Fools!

Greetings, Machinoids.  I am your dedicated leader, Dr. Machino.  I am the nastiest, most vile villain in the history of ALL VIDEO GAMES EVER!  With the power of this Internet (which I created, obviously), my destruction will reach countless more victims than was ever possible before!  Stay tuned, Machinoids, because I am about to blow your simple minds!

In today’s public address, I am going to talk to you about the man (if you can even call him that…he looks more like an inflated walrus) who not only stole my thunder, but made me look like an utter fool with his overzealous (and ultimately failed) attempts to take over the world by turning all the woodland creatures into mindless robot zombies.  What kind of stupid plan is that?!  How do you expect to get anywhere in your quest for world domination by mind-controlling stupid little bunnies and squirrels???

I am speaking of course, of the idiotic lesser form, Dr. Eggman (a.k.a., Dr. Robotnik for some reason…the guy doesn’t even know his own name!).  He thought too small.  His inventions (weak little machines that broke by a single headbutt from a certain Blue Blur) were a waste of resources.

At least MY robots attacked my arch nemesis instead of poking their heads out of holes in the ground or mindlessly wandering around like the poorly programmed bots they were.

The “critically acclaimed” (those people must have been paid a LOT to lie so blatantly) Sonic the Hedgehog series, even though it came out before my game did, made a mockery out of everything I was trying to accomplish.  Dr. Robeggnik (See what I did there?) couldn’t even talk.  That mute blockhead must have been blind as a bat, because that stupid hedgehog (annoying as he was) kept defeating him.

Sonic would never defeat me.  Instead of enslaving all of his friends, I would have just killed them with my toxic waste dumping.  Because I have more important things to do than control a bunch of stupid chipmunks to stop a pathetic hedgehog whose life force was based on how many rings he had.  And another thing.  If Robotnik wanted to kill Sonic, all he would have had to do was snatch up all those conveniently placed rings so that the first jumping robot fish that Sonic encountered would have killed him.

So, Dr. Eggface, if you’re reading this, YOU ARE A FAILURE.  I am the best there is in our business.  Concede to me, and turn over all your useless technology so I can melt it down and make a titanium toilet seat for myself.

And to you, my faithful minions, stay evil and REMEMBER:  If you see that pesky possum, remind him that he is NOT SO AWESOME!

Dr. Machino
Corporate Destroyer of Hundreds of Acres of Land