Welcome, Mindless Fools!

Greetings, Machinoids.  I am your dedicated leader, Dr. Machino.  I am the nastiest, most vile villain in the history of ALL VIDEO GAMES EVER!  With the power of this Internet (which I created, obviously), my destruction will reach countless more victims than was ever possible before!  Stay tuned, Machinoids, because I am about to blow your simple minds!

In today’s public address, I am going to talk to you about the man (if you can even call him that…he looks more like an inflated walrus) who not only stole my thunder, but made me look like an utter fool with his overzealous (and ultimately failed) attempts to take over the world by turning all the woodland creatures into mindless robot zombies.  What kind of stupid plan is that?!  How do you expect to get anywhere in your quest for world domination by mind-controlling stupid little bunnies and squirrels???

I am speaking of course, of the idiotic lesser form, Dr. Eggman (a.k.a., Dr. Robotnik for some reason…the guy doesn’t even know his own name!).  He thought too small.  His inventions (weak little machines that broke by a single headbutt from a certain Blue Blur) were a waste of resources.

At least MY robots attacked my arch nemesis instead of poking their heads out of holes in the ground or mindlessly wandering around like the poorly programmed bots they were.

The “critically acclaimed” (those people must have been paid a LOT to lie so blatantly) Sonic the Hedgehog series, even though it came out before my game did, made a mockery out of everything I was trying to accomplish.  Dr. Robeggnik (See what I did there?) couldn’t even talk.  That mute blockhead must have been blind as a bat, because that stupid hedgehog (annoying as he was) kept defeating him.

Sonic would never defeat me.  Instead of enslaving all of his friends, I would have just killed them with my toxic waste dumping.  Because I have more important things to do than control a bunch of stupid chipmunks to stop a pathetic hedgehog whose life force was based on how many rings he had.  And another thing.  If Robotnik wanted to kill Sonic, all he would have had to do was snatch up all those conveniently placed rings so that the first jumping robot fish that Sonic encountered would have killed him.

So, Dr. Eggface, if you’re reading this, YOU ARE A FAILURE.  I am the best there is in our business.  Concede to me, and turn over all your useless technology so I can melt it down and make a titanium toilet seat for myself.

And to you, my faithful minions, stay evil and REMEMBER:  If you see that pesky possum, remind him that he is NOT SO AWESOME!

Dr. Machino
Corporate Destroyer of Hundreds of Acres of Land